A reader writes:
For about half a yr now, I’ve had a colleague (let’s name him Dave) who has a couple of unusual quirks. He tends to search for my response at lots of issues different individuals say, after which touch upon the way in which I react. For instance: one other coworker or my boss makes a joke and I snigger (whereas others are laughing too) and Dave appears at me, factors and says, “Oh, you certain are laughing” or ‘“Look how exhausting Jane is laughing.” Truthfully it makes me very self-conscious about smiling/laughing within the workplace, regardless that earlier than that I used to be actually comfortable/felt fortunate that we had such a jovial, enjoyable setting to work in.
He additionally has another quirks corresponding to by no means washing his dishes (to the purpose we’ve to place his espresso in a paper cup as an alternative of a glass one, as a result of he’ll depart dishes to actually rot on his desk) and making mean-spirited jokes about my boss, who’s at the moment going by means of most cancers remedy. (Not that it could be fantastic if he wasn’t going by means of most cancers remedy, but it surely simply looks like he’s kicking him when he’s down.)
On high of this, Dave lately “got here out” as an empath. He defined that it meant that he feels feelings way more deeply than different individuals do and thus will get overwhelmed simply. He’s absent fairly often because of issues corresponding to not having slept properly or having a chilly, issues different individuals nonetheless are available for.
Is there something I may probably do to make him cease making these feedback with out making the workplace an uncomfortable place to be in? Ought to I inform my boss or grandboss about these items I’ve observed? Or ought to I simply let it’s? He’s very chatty, so I’ve needed to have headphones in nearly continuously throughout work, which in flip makes it tougher to shortly talk with coworkers.
There’s additionally an opportunity I’m simply overreacting or don’t perceive it. Full disclosure, I’m autistic, so I don’t actually perceive lots of social norms. Anyhow, thanks.
Ugh, Dave. I believe you’re understanding him simply fantastic. He appears like a garden-variety jerk whose picture of himself (as an empath!) doesn’t match his precise conduct.
I’m wondering if you should utilize his “empath” self-image to get him to cease commenting in your reactions to issues. For instance: “I do know you’ve talked about you’re empathetic and care so much about individuals’s emotions, so can I ask you to cease commenting on my laughing or different reactions I’ve? It makes me self-conscious, which I do know you don’t need to do.”
And when he makes a mean-spirited joke about your boss, be at liberty to let your response illustrate the way it’s touchdown:
* “Ouch, that was imply.”
* “Whoa, that’s not deserved.”
* “Yikes.”
For what it’s price, “empath” is usually used to imply somebody who has a better diploma of sensitivity to the feelings of others. It doesn’t imply “colds and lack of sleep are tougher on me than they’re on different individuals.” It additionally doesn’t imply “I really feel my very own feelings way more deeply than different individuals do.” If something, it appears like Dave may be the other of an empath.