A reader writes:
I’m a full-time, mid-level feminine supervisor at a big consultancy, and I generally work with a senior strategist (a contractor). He has an off-putting behavior of using Zoom DMs to make feedback that make it clear he’s scrutinizing me as a substitute of taking note of the assembly. Issues like, “One thing have to be humorous!” or “You look vexed! LOL”
Whereas I’m generally responsible of sending an e-mail or responding to somebody on Slack throughout a gathering if I’m not actively presenting or main, I don’t assume my face is doing something out of the bizarre. One other colleague of mine has mentioned she has gotten comparable messages from the strategist. I checked with one among our male colleagues, and he says he has by no means gotten a message from the strategist about his facial features.
The final time I received one among these messages, I responded, “I feel it’s simply my face. :D”
Is there the rest you counsel to push again on these bizarre messages? We don’t work in the identical metropolis, so won’t ever have an opportunity to casually chat in particular person. It feels very very like he solely does this to feminine colleagues.
Yeah, it’s tremendous frequent — and tremendous annoying — for males to be at liberty to touch upon girls’s faces once they’d by no means make the identical remark to a different man. Ask any man how typically he’s been ordered to smile by one other man.
Generally it stems from the underlying, although typically unconscious, perception that ladies ought to at all times be nice, ornamental objects … plus, girls’s faces and our bodies appear to be up for evaluation and suggestions on a regular basis and in each context.
When you attempt to shut down the boys who do that, they’re typically shocked, even insulted; they’re simply being pleasant, they declare! However the truth that they solely do it to girls provides the sport away.
To be clear, there are many occasions the place pleasant coworkers would possibly commerce messages throughout conferences like “I can see you’re barely holding it collectively over what Roger simply mentioned” or so forth — the place it’s simply pleasant camaraderie. However this doesn’t sound like that, even when he thinks it’s.
Anyway. Some choices:
You possibly can simply ignore your colleague’s messages in order for you. Simply because he desires to ship them doesn’t imply you owe him a response. And it’s potential that being ignored each time would possibly make him really feel bizarre about persevering with. That is in all probability the most suitable choice.
However if you wish to tackle it extra explicitly, you possibly can say, “It’s actually distracting whenever you touch upon my face throughout conferences.” If you wish to soften it, throw in a “I do know you don’t imply something by it however” at first of that. (Technically you don’t want to melt it, however the message goes to get delivered both means and work dynamics would possibly imply you profit from cushioning it a bit.)