A reader writes:
I’ve been the direct supervisor of Bob since 2022, however I used to be additionally beforehand his supervisor in one other place, I’ve labored with him in some capability for nearly 10 years. In some ways, he has been my closest buddy at work: we work collectively on many initiatives and I typically speak to him about issues occurring outdoors of labor and in different relationships.
Not too long ago, my greatest buddy, Lori, a psychiatrist, determined to unload an inventory of grievances on me and in a heated second stated, “Bob advised me that you simply weren’t supportive of me!” The factor is, so far as I knew, Lori and Bob had by no means met. I used to be shocked and requested how she knew him. Seems she was his psychiatrist for years, together with after he determined to come back work with me in 2022. Apparently she inspired him to discover a new physician at the moment however he didn’t wish to, so she saved him on. I really feel that was a battle of curiosity.
I really feel so betrayed on this state of affairs. There are such a lot of cases the place I’ve stated one thing to both of them in regards to the different, and neither of them ever advised me. I really feel like they have been voyeurs in one another’s lives via me. Additionally, Lori telling me is a transparent HIPAA violation, so now I’m caught holding her secret as a result of as indignant as I’m (I’m contemplating ending the friendship), I don’t wish to destroy her profession.
I’m caught working with Bob. He’s realizing that I’m pulling again, however I haven’t stated why. My plan is that if it comes up, I’ll say that I’ve “determined to have very sturdy boundaries at work,” however the entire thing feels horrible, bizarre, and isolating.
Ought to I inform my boss or HR? I’m fearful that this may spill out someplace sooner or later, not via me however possibly via Bob or Lori (neither has demonstrated nice decision-making expertise), and it’ll come again to hang-out me. Any recommendation you may give is useful. I really feel caught and alone on this secret.
Whoa, Lori actually tousled right here. Bob too to some extent, however Lori had each knowledgeable obligation and a private one to inform Bob she couldn’t deal with him anymore and refer him to another person.
Bob erred too, however far, far much less so. When Lori first advised him it will be a battle of curiosity to proceed to deal with him, he ought to have revered that and realized that speaking candidly about his boss (a very regular factor to wish to do in remedy) wouldn’t be acceptable to do with stated boss’s greatest buddy and that — as Lori stated — he wanted to hunt a brand new therapist.
However Lori! Lori violated the very clear ethics of her occupation, and the very clear boundaries of best-friendship. Bob doesn’t have practically the identical obligations towards you as his supervisor as Lori has towards you as her shut buddy and towards Bob as his therapist. 90% of this, possibly extra, is on Lori.
As for what to do … even other than this example, it’s a good suggestion to have higher boundaries with Bob. Somebody who works for you’ll be able to’t be a detailed buddy, as a result of the ability dynamics within the relationship forestall the connection from being an equal one (amongst different causes, all described right here). So sure to establishing extra distant boundaries (nonetheless buddyly, simply not pals) — however that’s not due to who Bob’s therapist is, it’s due to who Bob’s boss is.
It is best to in all probability let your individual boss or HR know in regards to the state of affairs. It’s not an absolute crucial except you’re involved that you may’t handle Bob pretty or objectively anymore (during which case you’d have an obligation to reveal that and ask for a change within the reporting set-up) but when there’s any threat that it is going to be perceived that manner in some unspecified time in the future, it’s in everybody’s curiosity so that you can disclose the state of affairs and get forward of it.
I’m sorry this occurred. It’s a significant betrayal by a buddy and, on her aspect, of a affected person.