A reader writes:
I’m a center supervisor who works with an worker I’ll name “John.” John doesn’t report back to me, however there are eventualities by which I supervise facets of John’s work and am able to present him suggestions.
John has quite a lot of expertise (he’s been doing his job about so long as I’ve been alive), however at occasions he doesn’t know what he doesn’t know. He reacts defensively to most disagreements/suggestions and frequently offers workers suggestions and solutions that straight contradict what managers have instructed them to do. He is also keen to die on just about each hill (let’s say we had been making teapots with flowers painted on them and every flower had six petals; John would loudly and publicly insist it’s CRUCIAL that the flowers have seven petals, to the purpose of creating a scene in entrance of his friends). There have been occasions when I’ve needed to pull John apart to debate this conduct.
One factor John does in these conversations drives me bonkers. He’ll insist I don’t perceive his argument, after which say some variation of, “Repeat again to me the purpose I used to be simply making.”
This feels so condescending and I hate it. I acknowledge I could also be delicate to this partially due to the gender dynamics (he’s a person and I’m a lady, and he has carried out this with different feminine managers). It looks like he’s a professor who’s scolding his scholar.
However, I don’t wish to overlook one thing I may enhance in our interactions just because his conduct offers me the ick. I now attempt to summarize his factors early on within the dialog (“what I’m listening to you say is…”), however in some way we nonetheless normally find yourself with him pushing me to repeat his argument again to him. It nearly looks like an angle of “Clearly you don’t perceive my level, in any other case you’ll agree,” however in fact I don’t know for positive that that’s his intention.
What can I do to assist enhance the standard of our conversations with out being a pushover?
Ugh, sure, he sounds condescending.
There are occasions when it could possibly make sense to say one thing like, “Are you able to inform me your understanding of my concern, so we will spot if one thing is getting misplaced in translation?” And once I’m managing somebody and assigning work, I’m a fan of, “To verify we’re on the identical web page and I didn’t miss something, are you able to do a fast abstract of subsequent steps?” (The latter might be actually useful as a result of managers generally suppose they’ve been clear about their expectations after which are shocked to find that the opposite individual got here away with a really completely different understanding.)
However the minute there’s any whiff of any condescension in your tone or method, it will cease sounding collaborative and begin sounding obnoxious. And it doesn’t sound like John is doing it in contexts the place it could make sense; as you say, it sounds extra like he implying, “Perhaps you aren’t sensible sufficient to grasp what I’m saying.”
Since he clearly thinks that is a suitable solution to talk, I’m curious what would occur when you begin doing it again to him to degree the taking part in area. The following time he asks you to repeat again his level, do it — after which say, “And now I’d wish to ask you to repeat again the purpose I used to be making too, so we will guarantee we’re each understanding one another.” Do that just a few occasions and he may dislike it sufficient that he’ll cease doing it to you. Or who is aware of, perhaps it is going to end in improved communication on either side, which might even be good!
There’s additionally the choice of merely telling him the way it’s coming throughout. For instance: “I get the sense you’re asking me to repeat again your level since you assume I have to be misunderstanding or I’d agree with you. That’s not the case.” And perhaps: “You’re coming throughout as very adversarial proper now. Is that what you plan?” (It’s worthwhile to say this calmly and in a tone of real curiosity — don’t sound agitated or it loses its energy.)
But additionally, John feels like a instrument and, when you haven’t already, it is perhaps helpful to share some suggestions about his strategy together with his supervisor.