A reader writes:
I’m extraordinarily jealous of my coworker, and I do not know what to do about it.
My coworker, let’s name her Lacy, and I began in the identical entry-level place across the identical time (Lacy began a couple of months earlier than me). We’re related in age and, whereas Lacy graduated from a significantly better college than me, had related majors.
It was a horrible working surroundings for a very long time as a consequence of our poisonous supervisor, and Lacy and I bonded rather a lot over surviving. Then, about two years in the past, there was a complete overhaul of our division and our supervisor was changed, together with virtually the entire crew apart from the 2 of us.
Since then, Lacy has been promoted twice and makes virtually 50% greater than me, and I … am nonetheless in the identical place. Objectively, I can perceive why this occurred. Lacy may be very expert and calm underneath stress. In the meantime, I battle with socializing and actually can’t deal with stress. In actual fact, even after her promotions, Lacy typically helps me with the extra high-stress elements of my job.
I do know all this objectively, however I’m so, so jealous of her. When she bought her first promotion, I needed to depart the constructing as a result of I used to be starting to cry in entrance of her and our new supervisor. When her second promotion was introduced, I had a panic assault and needed to take a sick day. Generally, I can’t assist however delay duties that Lacy asks me to do as a result of if she’s so nice, absolutely she will do it herself (I do know this isn’t the way it works, that is simply how I feel within the second). It’s onerous for me to say thanks when she helps me out as a result of it simply appears like she’s rubbing it in, regardless that I do know she isn’t.
It’s been two years, however I can’t alter. My supervisor has talked to me about it a number of instances all through the years, and nobody has talked about firing or a PIP, however I’m sick of feeling this fashion. I do know that that is on me, however I’m struggling a lot. How can I alter?
Two issues: Change jobs, and remedy.
Change jobs since you’re depressing on this one! You’re evaluating your self to Lacy and having panic assaults over her accomplishments and even doing worse work your self out of resentment, which dangers harming you professionally. It sounds such as you’ve been at this job for a variety of years — and also you’re deeply sad. Why not depart? You don’t want to remain and really feel tortured.
Nevertheless it’s important to additionally pair that with remedy, as a result of Lacy isn’t going to be the final particular person you encounter who triggers these emotions. I suppose it’s attainable that there’s one thing particular to Lacy that’s unlikely to return up once more — you’re related ages and backgrounds, you began on the identical time, you trauma-bonded collectively, and so it appears like no matter she achieves that you simply don’t displays on you — however your response to her success has been intense sufficient that one thing is occurring internally that’s not about Lacy and that’s more likely to pop up in different methods in your life and make you sad, even after you’re lengthy gone from this job. That’s remedy stuff.
In the meantime, although, when you’re engaged on no matter these points become (and it might be some time, as a result of a whole lot of therapists have ready lists for brand spanking new sufferers proper now and since even when you begin, progress takes time), you actually don’t have to hold attempting to energy by means of this.
If it had been straightforward to resolve with logic or psychological reframing, you’d have already finished it.
Give your self the present of fixing jobs. But in addition give your self the present of committing to delve into (with assist) what led you right here.